Saturday, May 30, 2009

The Fantasy of Being Enough

Since this is my first post, let me start by giving a little background. I am divorced with 2 children from that marriage, engaged presently and pregnant. Yeah. Lots of baggage and stuff going on. I also carry a lot of family and relationship baggage, most of which was carry on stuffed into the overhead compartment of life at the beginning of this relationship. Some of it stowed away, but not very much and not very far in the back of the plane. My fiance is a good guy basically, he works hard and like me has some baggage. He's never been married, he was at one point engaged, but that ended and he doesn't talk about it. He comes from a dysfunctional family as I do. (Are there actual functional families anymore?) So I do a lot of venting in my old fashioned paper journal, which is very cathartic, but my hand cramps after a while and when writing with pen and paper my mind seems to go much faster than my hand and I lose thoughts easily. I type pretty fast, so I figured I would give blogging a try since I can definately type more WPM than I can write. My ventings are mostly about life, my relationship and the problems within it and my kids. A lot of my venting isn't very possitive, and for that I appologize. When I'm happy, I rarely feel the need to vent. This is like my therapy. Actually, it's part of my therapy since the therapist that I see to help me get through the month encourages me to put my thoughts down.

So... on to the present blog... which I have entitled The Fantasy of Being Enough. I've been in this relationship for 2 years. I don't know if it's just me or if it's a lot of girls out there, but I have this fantasy that I will be with a guy who I astound. I mean, he will think I am absolutely the most charming, witty, smart, sexy, attractive, talented creature he has ever known. He will dote on me and tell me how great I am while I act bashful and try to keep up with him in returning compliments. We will lie on a bear skin rug sprinkled with rose petals in front of a fireplace sipping a fantastic bottle of Chateauneuf Du Pape. I with my (fantasy) slim and glistening physique in a knock out little satin negligee looking like I just stepped out of a VS catalogue, and him bare-chested with his toned and tanned body in a pair of boxer shorts, his dark hair and eyes gleaming in the firelight. Ok, snap back to reality. I actually think I would settle for someone who just thought I was overall great and who wasn't afraid to let me know. My guy, mostly I believe due to his upbringing, doesn't have a real knack for complimenting. He's pretty closed off as far as emotions go. I love him, and I know he loves me, he just rarely lets me in on the thoughts that tell me why. I reassure myself all the time, I think I'm smart, funny, pretty (not a 10, but I clean up nice and I have big boobs, that should give me points right there). I'm sexual and adventurous, easy going and not too high maintenance.
So with the enough thing, my guy's choice of recreation for his days off are to sit in front of his laptop all day. He visits various sites from porn to eBay to message boards. He doesn't do a job where he is in front of the computer, so this is his relaxation. I'm on here now because I like to write and get my thoughts out. But I'm on a computer at least 40 hours a week for my daytime job. But he visits one site repeatedly. It's a virtual world where you can create your own avatar and chat with other people in the room. Some of it is idle passing the time chat, most of it is erotic and sexual. And he almost exclusively talks to women. Whenever he has talked to men on there it's about techinical stuff having to do with the operations of the site. To him it's a harmless passtime, it makes him feel good, as he calls it "zoning out" and not really thinking about anything. I kind of get that, I do that with Solitaire and Bejeweled and other mindless puzzle games. What I don't get is the amount of time spent talking to other women. And that's where I don't feel like I'm enough. I can't see what he's talking about, I have a general idea and I know how much time he spends on it. Especially on his days off. Sometimes he can spend 10+ hours on his day off online. On my days off, I clean the house, read a book, watch TV or a movie, go shopping, take naps. My days off are pretty filled with stuff to do. Why, even as I type, this is my day off and I am online blogging while waiting for the laundry buzzer. I have 2 loads in. I went shopping this morning and plan to clean the kitchen and vaccuum before he gets home sometime between 7 and 8 tonight. And I watched a movie on TV, but I haven't yet taken a nap. The point is, I fill my days of leisure with chores and tasks so that he won't have to be burdened with that load. And do I get thanked for it? No. Do I get told what a domestic goddess I am? No. I just keep doing it in the hope and fantasy, that one day he will wake up and let me know that I am enough and that he is so tired of talking to the tramps online that he has half a mind to throw his laptop out the window and never gaze upon it's mezmerizing screen ever again. Hey, a girl can dream can't she?