The Great Breastfeeding Debate

I've breastfeed our son since birth. For his first year he was breastfed exclusively, and since he refused bottles or pacifiers, I was pretty much tied to him. Which is fine, he was a great baby and I could take him almost anywhere. He's now 15 months old and while he drinks regular 2% cows milk from a sippy cup or a straw with his meals, he still latches on to me at night, first thing in the morning and sometimes during the day when he's feeling snugly. This is all fine with me, I had planned on breastfeeding until 2 years old anyway. It's what the WHO (World Health Org.) suggests in other countries, Americans just haven't totally caught on to that train of thought yet. Now when my son wants to nurse, he comes up to me, does his little sign language for more and says "Mo Boo" which means "more boob". I usually whip it out and oblige him, because a) he's so cute and b) it's additional bonding time. His dad thinks that now that he can ask for it it makes it somehow very wrong and that I need to stop immediately. So today our son had his 15 month check up at the pediatrician's office. I asked her what her thought on the matter was after explaining our debate and his father's philosophy that "asking for it" somehow made it wrong. Her answer didn't help me out much. She said "The good news is, there is no definitive evidence that breastfeeding while he is aware of the act and able to ask for it by name has any long term consequences. Although, there also isn't any evidence it doesn't. You really just have to do what you feel is right.". Gee, thanks for being so neutral, Doc. You really helped me out of this pickle. NOT.

Adventures in Pet Sitting

Day 7. Pet sitting the cocker spaniel that belongs to my fiance's parents. She is a spoiled rotten ball of fur. I get to give her back in 7 hours when their plane lands and they can resume ownership of this rotten mutt. Actually, she's not a mutt, she was very expensive with papers and I think that's part of her problem. I actually like mutts and think they make better pets. This week has been an adventure, and more to the point, a lesson in the fact that I am not ready for a pet. I have children, I love and nurture and take care of their needs. It seems easy to me to be a parent of human children. I don't get loving an animal like a person. That gene but have skipped me. I think animals are fine for other people, I'm just not a pet person. I don't see the point of feeding, cleaning up after and buying expensive trinkets for something that I will surely outlive and offers no real benefit to my lifestyle in return. After a week of cleaning every day, my house still stinks. The dog has been up nights while we're sleeping making messes, tearing up things like my only purse and my children's toys and most enjoyable, pooping on the kitchen floor because she gave herself diarrhea one night after eating half of the trash.

Maybe it's just this particular dog. I had dogs growing up, but I lived on a farm and the dogs were mostly outside animals. They would come in at night when it was cold to sleep by the fireplace in the basement for warmth. Our house was flanked by two large fields and so the dogs could take themselves potty anytime they felt like it. On a side note, they were always very good about going out in the field away from the house and never going potty in our actual yard where my sister and I played. They got plenty of exercise on their own because we lived almost a mile off of the main road and they could go to the barn and pasture and chase the cows. They were always available to come running for petting and playing whenever my sister and I were in the mood, but they weren't especially needy and they had jobs to do, so it was nice.

I think maybe I'm just emotionally broken when it comes to animals, but I can't wait until this evening when I'll be Free at last! Free at last! Thank Dog Almighty, I am free at last!

The Fantasy of Being Enough

Since this is my first post, let me start by giving a little background. I am divorced with 2 children from that marriage, engaged presently and pregnant. Yeah. Lots of baggage and stuff going on. I also carry a lot of family and relationship baggage, most of which was carry on stuffed into the overhead compartment of life at the beginning of this relationship. Some of it stowed away, but not very much and not very far in the back of the plane. My fiance is a good guy basically, he works hard and like me has some baggage. He's never been married, he was at one point engaged, but that ended and he doesn't talk about it. He comes from a dysfunctional family as I do. (Are there actual functional families anymore?) So I do a lot of venting in my old fashioned paper journal, which is very cathartic, but my hand cramps after a while and when writing with pen and paper my mind seems to go much faster than my hand and I lose thoughts easily. I type pretty fast, so I figured I would give blogging a try since I can definately type more WPM than I can write. My ventings are mostly about life, my relationship and the problems within it and my kids. A lot of my venting isn't very possitive, and for that I appologize. When I'm happy, I rarely feel the need to vent. This is like my therapy. Actually, it's part of my therapy since the therapist that I see to help me get through the month encourages me to put my thoughts down.

So... on to the present blog... which I have entitled The Fantasy of Being Enough. I've been in this relationship for 2 years. I don't know if it's just me or if it's a lot of girls out there, but I have this fantasy that I will be with a guy who I astound. I mean, he will think I am absolutely the most charming, witty, smart, sexy, attractive, talented creature he has ever known. He will dote on me and tell me how great I am while I act bashful and try to keep up with him in returning compliments. We will lie on a bear skin rug sprinkled with rose petals in front of a fireplace sipping a fantastic bottle of Chateauneuf Du Pape. I with my (fantasy) slim and glistening physique in a knock out little satin negligee looking like I just stepped out of a VS catalogue, and him bare-chested with his toned and tanned body in a pair of boxer shorts, his dark hair and eyes gleaming in the firelight. Ok, snap back to reality. I actually think I would settle for someone who just thought I was overall great and who wasn't afraid to let me know. My guy, mostly I believe due to his upbringing, doesn't have a real knack for complimenting. He's pretty closed off as far as emotions go. I love him, and I know he loves me, he just rarely lets me in on the thoughts that tell me why. I reassure myself all the time, I think I'm smart, funny, pretty (not a 10, but I clean up nice and I have big boobs, that should give me points right there). I'm sexual and adventurous, easy going and not too high maintenance.
So with the enough thing, my guy's choice of recreation for his days off are to sit in front of his laptop all day. He visits various sites from porn to eBay to message boards. He doesn't do a job where he is in front of the computer, so this is his relaxation. I'm on here now because I like to write and get my thoughts out. But I'm on a computer at least 40 hours a week for my daytime job. But he visits one site repeatedly. It's a virtual world where you can create your own avatar and chat with other people in the room. Some of it is idle passing the time chat, most of it is erotic and sexual. And he almost exclusively talks to women. Whenever he has talked to men on there it's about techinical stuff having to do with the operations of the site. To him it's a harmless passtime, it makes him feel good, as he calls it "zoning out" and not really thinking about anything. I kind of get that, I do that with Solitaire and Bejeweled and other mindless puzzle games. What I don't get is the amount of time spent talking to other women. And that's where I don't feel like I'm enough. I can't see what he's talking about, I have a general idea and I know how much time he spends on it. Especially on his days off. Sometimes he can spend 10+ hours on his day off online. On my days off, I clean the house, read a book, watch TV or a movie, go shopping, take naps. My days off are pretty filled with stuff to do. Why, even as I type, this is my day off and I am online blogging while waiting for the laundry buzzer. I have 2 loads in. I went shopping this morning and plan to clean the kitchen and vaccuum before he gets home sometime between 7 and 8 tonight. And I watched a movie on TV, but I haven't yet taken a nap. The point is, I fill my days of leisure with chores and tasks so that he won't have to be burdened with that load. And do I get thanked for it? No. Do I get told what a domestic goddess I am? No. I just keep doing it in the hope and fantasy, that one day he will wake up and let me know that I am enough and that he is so tired of talking to the tramps online that he has half a mind to throw his laptop out the window and never gaze upon it's mezmerizing screen ever again. Hey, a girl can dream can't she?